FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE SEQUENCING THE ENDLESS STRINGS OF NEWS-D.N.A. AND COMBINING TOPICAL GENOMES TO
GENETICALLY ENGINEER THE DAY’S STORIES INTO THE SUPER-HUMAN
TEST TUBE BABY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I
LIKE TO BREAK INTO THE LOCAL MORGUE, COLLECT A FEW CADAVER
LIMBS, AND GRAB A BAG OF HORSE ORGANS, THEN STITCH ‘EM TOGETHER
TO REANIMATE THE AFFRONT TO GOD AND MAN THAT
IS MY SEGMENT:>>MEANWHILE!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S LIKE PENICILLIN TO THE FEVER OF A NATION. MEANWHILE, THE U.S. FOOD AND
DRUG ADMINISTRATION WARNED THE MAKER OF PURELL TO STOP CLAIMING
THAT ITS HAND SANITIZERS CAN HELP GUARD AGAINST EBOLA,
NOROVIRUS, THE FLU, AND OTHER MALADIES. WHAT? THAT’S TERRIBLE NEWS! I KEEP HAND SANITIZER HERE ALL
THE TIME. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I’VE BEEN
DOING SHOTS OF THIS EVERY NIGHT FOR NOTHING?!( LAUGHTER )
IN A STERNAL WORDED LETTER, THE F.D.A. WROTE, “AS OF TODAY, WE
ARE NOT AWARE OF ANY HAND SANITIZERS THAT HAVE BEEN TESTED
AGAINST EBOLA VIRUSES, INCLUDING PURELL. AND EVEN IF HAND SANITIZER WAS
EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE SPREAD OF EBOLA, GOOD LUCK GETTING THOSE
MONKEYS TO USE IT.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE– HOLD STILL! MEANWHILE, IT’S THAT TIME OF
YEAR AGAIN, WHEN THE NEXT BATCH OF APPROVED EMOJIS IS ANNOUNCED
BY THE GLOBAL RULING EMOJI BODY, THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM. WE ARE THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM,
MR. BOND. NEXT FALL’S NEW EMOJIS WILL
INCLUDE, AMONG OTHERS, THE ITALIAN HAND GESTURE OF PINCHED
FINGERS, SMILEY FACE WITH GROUCHO GLASSES, A FONDUE POT,
AND EVEN “DIVERSE OPTIONS” FOR “NINJAS.” FINALLY! I AM SO TIRED OF HAVING TO TYPE
OUT EACH WORD EVERY TIME I NEED TO TEXT: “MAMMA MIA! GROUCHO MARX IS A-HAVING-A
FONDUE WIT-A PANRACIAL-A NINJA!” MARONE! ALTHOUGH, I DO HAVE ONE QUIBBLE. FOR SOME REASON, THE CONSORTIUM
HAS DECIDED TO CALL THIS EMOJI “DISGUISED FACE.” DISGUISED FACE? THAT IS GROUCHO MARX! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. THAT’S LIKE MAKING AN EMOJI OF
JIGSAW AND CALLING IT “PUZZLE FRIEND.”( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, THE PHILADELPHIA FLYERS’ MASCOT, GRITTY, HAS BEEN
CLEARED OF AN ASSAULT ALLEGATION. THIS IS TRULY HISTORIC. IT IS THE FIRST PHILADELPHIA
SPORTS FAN TO BE ACQUITTED OF ASSAULT.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, WE HAVE A FEW
FOOD-RELATED STORIES TONIGHT, WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR
LONG-RUNNING, BRAND-NEW “MEANWHILE” SUBSEGMENT:
“CUISINE-WHILE.”( LAUGHTER )
CUISINE-WHILE, K.F.C. IS NOW SELLING VEGAN CHICKEN NUGGETS,
CALLED “BEYOND FRIED CHICKEN,” MADE IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE
COMPANY “BEYOND MEAT.” FOR A COMPANY WHO CLAIMS THEY’RE
“BEYOND MEAT,” THEY SURE SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT HOW
TO REPLACE MEAT. “YOU GUYS, I’M TOTALLY OVER
STACEY. I NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT STACY
ANYMORE. THIS IS MY NEW GIRLFRIEND:
“BEYOND STACEY.”( LAUGHTER )
CUISINE-WHILE, DUNKIN’ HAS RELEASED A FRANK’S RED-HOT JELLY
DOUGHNUT. NOW, HOLD ON. THEY’RE ONLY AVAILABLE IN MIAMI,
BUT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN AT HOME. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUY A
REGULAR GLAZED DOUGHNUT, SQUIRT SOME HOT SAUCE ON IT, THEN LOOK
INTO THE MIRROR TO DISCOVER THE MONSTER YOU HAVE BECOME. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JIM
CARREY.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. Gritty and a.m./p.m.'s Toomgis should get together to frighten people to death. Idk which one is the most terrifying.

  2. Hey genius, they are meant for meat eaters. Not for vegans. And then some vegans enjoy them on the occasion. Their main Market is after meat eaters. That's what the CEO has been saying the entire time.

  3. He shouldn't mock Beyond Meat like that, they're an amazing company that makes wonderful products. I eat them all the time.

  4. 糟了,美国又有持槍和警对持了,,,。
    看吧,蝙蝠侠又来不及穿衣発动蝙蝠車或飞机了,警方拘了,,,??。

  5. Diverse ninjas? Finally, an emoji I can use when I want to talk about "Ninja Nanny", the dutch children's TV show about an Indonesian au-pair who's secretly a Pencak Silat master that dresses up like a ninja and fights crime in her spare time.
    And yes that's realy a thing.
    And no, it's not nearly as good as the premise makes it sounds.

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