WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TELL, MAN. IT IS FRIDAY.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS ABOUT DAMN TIME. AND IT’S BEEN A HELL OF A FEW
DAYS. YEARS FROM NOW, WE’LL LOOK BACK
ON THIS WEEK AND THINK, “HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THE
RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS?”( LAUGHTER )
SO MANY HUGE THINGS HAPPENED IN THE PAST SIX DAYS, I’M GETTING
THEM ALL MIXED UP. I’M PRETTY SURE MITT ROMNEY WAS
ACQUITTED OF AWARDING THE MEDAL OF FREEDOM TO SHAKIRA’S SPARKLY
SHORT-SHORTS? THIS WEEK, WE ALL ENDURED
TRUMP’S STATE OF THE UNION. NOT ALL OF US, BECAUSE THE
SPEECH’S TV RATINGS WERE DOWN 2% FROM LAST YEAR, WHICH MEANS
IF HE DOES IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR, HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO PULL SOME
TV GIMMICKS TO ROPE IN VIEWERS. SO GET READY FOR “YOUNG UNION. “THE STATE OF OUR SHELDON IS
BAZINGA!” BUT NOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS
COVERED UP TRUMP’S CRIMES, IT’S UP TO VOTERS TO GET RID OF THE
GUY.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YUP. DO YOUR DUTY. GOTTA VOTE. I SAID DUTY.>>Jon: EVERYBODY IS VERY
HYPED TO DO THAT.>>Stephen: I DID. I’LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT’S EDITION OF:>>YOU, OFF THE BOARD, OR I’LL
COME UP AND DRAWING OFF! ♪ ♪ ♪
>>A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.>>WHY THE HELL DO THEY LIKE
CHOCOLATE?>>”FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE, 2020.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STIERS IS TIGHT, MAN. IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO SORT OUT
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE IOWA CAUCUS, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S
FINALLY ALMOST SETTLED. I’M SORRY, CHAIR OF THE
D.N.C., YOU WERE SAYING? “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. IN LIGHT OF THE PROBLEMS THAT
HAVE EMERGED, I AM CALLING ON THE IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO
IMMEDIATELY BEGIN A RECANVASS.” WHAT? NOOO! IOW-ONCE WAS ENOUGH! THIS IS THE WORST REBOOT IDEA
SINCE “LITTLE WOMEN 2: THE REVENGE OF ZOMBIE BETH!”
( LAUGHTER )
WATCH OUT, MARMEE. SHE’S COMING BACK FOR HER PIANO! NOW, WHETHER THEY RECANVASS OR
NOT, THE BIG WINNERS IN IOWA WERE BERNIE SANDERS AND
PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND THEY’RE LEADING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, TOO. THEY’RE LEADING IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE, TOO. SO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN’S GOING TO
HAVE TO COME UP WITH A WHOLE NEW STRATEGY.( AS TRUMP )
“HELLO, UKRAINE? I KNOW I JUST ESCAPED
IMPEACHMENT, BUT I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR, THOUGH. IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU GUYS
COULD FIND A HUNTER BUTTIGIEG?”( LAUGHTER )
HELLO? THE IOWA RESULTS WERE ROUGH FOR
JOE BIDEN. HE FINISHED FOURTH, WITH ONLY
15.8%. HE MADE A BIG MISTAKE WHEN HE
ATTACKED IOWA’S STATE MASCOT.>>CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE!( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: BIDEN’S FOURTH-PLACE FINISH WAS A TOUGH BLOW TO HIS
CAMPAIGN, BUT THIS WEEK IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, HE TOLD VOTERS THIS:
>>AS MY MOTHER WOULD SAY, “HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL, PAL.” WE ARE NOT GIVING UP. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.>>Stephen: THIS IS ONLY THE
SECOND STATE, AND YOU’RE ALREADY ON “HOPE SPRINGS
ETERNAL?” THAT’S LIKE BEING 10 MINUTES
INTO A HIKE AND SAYING, “WHADDYA SAY WE EAT LUKE FIRST? HE’S SINGLE,
NO ONE’S GONNA MISS HIM!” HE’S ALREADY SWEATY AND SALTY. HE SEASONED HIMSELF. LET’S DO IT. COME ON, LET’S DO THIS THING. SLOW IT UP.>>Jon: VEGETARIAN.>>Stephen: BUT BIDEN ALSO
RECOGNIZES HOW BAD THIS LOOKS.>>I AM NOT GOING TO SUGARCOAT
IT. WE TOOK A GUT PUNCH IN IOWA. THE WHOLE PROCESS TOOK A GUT
PUNCH. BUT, LOOK, THIS ISN’T THE FIRST
TIME IN MY LIFE I’VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN.>>Stephen: (AS BIDEN)
“WHY, JUST TODAY ON THE WALK OVER HERE, SOME MANIAC WRESTLED
ME TO THE GROUND. IT LATER TURNED OUT TO BE THE
WINDBREAKER I WAS TRYING TO PUT ON.( LAUGHTER )
HE’S A BAD DUDE.” BIDEN IS SO OPTIMISTIC THAT AT A
CNN TOWN HALL, BIDEN EXPLAINED WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR IN A VICE
PRESIDENT.>>AS VICE PRESIDENT, I THINK IT
WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE A WOMAN OR A PERSON OF COLOR AS
VICE PRESIDENT. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I’VE LEARNED FROM MY RELATIONSHIP WITH BARACK– I
CALL HIM BARACK, NOT PRESIDENT, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO CONFUSE
HIM WITH THE PRESIDENT.>>Stephen: DID YOU NOTICE HOW
SUBTLY WITH BIDEN INSERTS OBAMA INTO EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER. “DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?”
“NO, BUT YOU KNOW WHO LOVES FRIES? MY FRIEND BARACK OBAMA LOVES
FRIES. HE USED TO SAY TO ME, ‘JOE?’–
HE USED TO SAY TO ME, ‘JOE?’– HE CALLED ME JOE BECAUSE HE
DIDN’T WANT TO CONFUSE ME WITH VICE PRESIDENT JOHN
C. CALHOUN. HE’D SAY, ‘JOE, THESE ARE SOME
TASTY FRIES, AND YOU’D MAKE A TASTY PRESIDENT. LIKE ME, JOE BIDEN’S FRIEND
BARACK OBAMA.'”( LAUGHTER )
BIDEN’S POOR PERFORMANCE IS PURE GOLD FOR ONE OF HIS RIVALS,
FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND IGUANA REFUSING TO DO THE TRICK
DURING THE ANIMAL SHOW, MIKE BLOOMBERG. BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN RUNNING AN
UNCONVENTIONAL CAMPAIGN BY SKIPPING THE EARLY STATES, AND
HOPING FOR THE COLLAPSE OF OTHER LEADING CAMPAIGNS, MOST
CRUCIALLY, JOE BIDEN’S. REALLY MAKES BLOOMBERG SEEM LIKE
A NICE GUY.( AS EVIL BLOOMBERG )
“OH, YEEEES, JOE! YES! OH, DO TIRE YOURSELF SHAKING THE
HANDS OF THE PAUPERS AS I WATCH FROM MY GLITTERING TOWER HIGH
ABOVE THE CITY. SOON, I SHALL BE THE ONE KISSING
THOSE PENNILESS BABIES IN ARMS AND SUPPING UPON THE APPLE’D
PIES! ME: RELATABLE EVERYMAN MICHAEL
“MIKE” BLOOMBERG– WENTWORTH, TO THE VELOCICOPTER!”
( APPLAUSE )
HE HAS. HE CAN FLY HELICOPTERS.>>Jon: HE FLIES THAT. THAT’S INTERESTING.>>Stephen: BLOOMBERG’S GOING
ALL IN ON HIS PLAN, BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD HIS TEAM TO DOUBLE HIS
SPENDING ON TELEVISION COMMERCIALS. HOW? HOW CAN HE DO THAT? HE’S ALREADY ON TV ALL THE TIME. AT THIS POINT, HE’LL HAVE TO BUY
AD SPACE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S COMMERCIALS. GET ANOTHER TUB IN THERE. SCRUB THEM OFF! NOW, JOE BIDEN’S GOING TO HAVE
TROUBLE SWALLOWING HIS NEXT ONE, BUT THIS, WHAT I’M ABOUT TO
SHOW YOU, IS MIKE BLOOMBERG’S ACTUAL LATEST COMMERCIAL.>>HE’S BEEN A LEADER
THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS. MR. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS
HERE.>>LEADERSHIP IN ACTION. MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND PRESIDENT
OBAMA WORKED TOGETHER IN THE FIGHT FOR GUN-SAFETY LAWS, TO
IMPROVE EDUCATION, AND TO DEVELOP INNOVATIVE WAYS TO HELP
TEENS GAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO FIND GOOD JOBS.>>Stephen: WOW. I THINK BLOOMBERG’S STRATEGY IS
JUST STEAL EVERY OTHER CANDIDATES’ THING.( AS BLOOMBERG )
“I BELIEVE THE TOP 10th OF THE TOP 10% HAVE TOO MUCH POWER, BUT
AS MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND, INDIANA, I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. IT INVOLVES MY DOG BAILEY, WHO’S
GONNA GIVE YOU $1,000 A MONTH. NOW LET’S BRING OUT MY
HUSBAND, CHASTEN. I’M MICHAEL YANG-BERNWARR-BOOTY. AND BARACK OBAMA APPROVED THIS
MESSAGE.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT– BUT–
BUT TRUMP’S NOT WORRIED ABOUT 2020 RIGHT NOW. INSTEAD, TRUMPS IS LASER FOCUSED
ON HIS REAL ENEMY: NEW YORK. TRUMP AND HIS IMMIGRATION GOONS
HAVE BEEN MAD AT NEW YORK STATE EVER SINCE THEY PASSED “A LAW
THAT ALLOWS UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS TO OBTAIN DRIVER’S
LICENSES.” AND TRUMP BELIEVES THEY SHOULD
ONLY BE ABLE TO GET MARRIAGE LICENSES. SO–
( LAUGHTER )
SO–
>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: SO, THE
ADMINISTRATION CAME UP WITH A WAY TO STICK IT TO ITS
OWN CITIZENS, BY BLOCKING NEW YORKERS FROM ENROLLING IN
GLOBAL ENTRY, A TRAVEL PROGRAM WHICH ALLOWS APPROVED
PARTICIPANTS FASTER PASSAGE THROUGH SECURITY AT AIRPORTS. THAT IS THE CRUELEST PUNISHMENT
IMAGINABLE: MORE TIME IN NEWARK.( LAUGHTER )
ON THE PLUS SIDE– ON THE PLUS SIDE– I’LL SAY THIS– THAT DOES
MEAN MORE TIME FOR ME TO FINISH MY QDOBA NACHOS INSIDE
THE LACTATION PRIVACY POD. FOR AM I NOT THE CHILD AT HEART,
SUCKLING ON THE NACHO TEAT? “BE OUT IN A MINUTE. I’M HAVING TROUBLE LATCHING ON.” THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS DROPPED ON
US LAST NIGHT BY ACTING HOMELAND SECURITY SECRATARY AND NAME THAT
A WOLF PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN WOULD CALL ITSELF– CHAD WOLF. “IT IS I, CHAD WOLF, a MAN WHO
LOVES HUMAN THINGS, LIKE COOKED FOOD. AND STANDING. CHAD WOLF SEES SOMETHING ON YOUR
NECK. COME CLOSER TO CHAD WOLF.”( LAUGHTER )
THERE’S ALSO NEWS ABOUT FIRST SON, DON JR., SEEN HERE
DELIVERING HIS CROWD-PLEASING CATCHPHRASE:
“GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
THAT’S MY FAVORITE. THAT’S MY FAVORITE JOKE TONIGHT. “GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH.” A HUNTING ORGANIZATION HAS JUST
ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE AUCTIONING OFF A DREAM HUNT WITH
DONALD TRUMP JR. WOW. I MEAN, SHOULD THAT EVEN BE
LEGAL? I MEAN, HE’S THE PRESIDENT’S
SON. OH, YEAH, SURE, OKAY– THAT’S
DIFFERENT. HUNT WITH, HUNT WITH? MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE. THE OTHER THING WAS WRONG! WRONG!>>Jon: IT’S NOT HIM.>>Stephen: NOT GOOD! TURNS OUT, WHAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY
BIDDING ON IS AN ALASKA YACHT- BASED SITKA, BLACK-TAILED DEER
HUNT WITH DONALD TRUMP JR. THAT’S TOO MANY THINGS! THAT’S TOO MANY THINGS IN ONE
THING. YOU GOTTA KEEP IT SIMPLE FOR DON
JR.! HE’D BE JUST AS HAPPY WHIPPIN’
LIGHTBULBS AT AN OLD VAN IN THE WOODS!( AS DON JR. )
“ERIC, GO STAND BY THE VAN!” “I DON’T WANT TO.” “STAND BY THE VAN, YOU
BUTT-FACE! COME ON, CATCH IT.” THERE IS ALSO A PERFORMANCE FROM
THE BEACH BOYS. I FOR ONE CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR
DON JR. SINGING ALONG.(SINGING “WOULDN’T IT BE NICE”)
♪ WOULDN’T IT BE NICE TO KILL A MAMMAL
♪ FROM THE COMFORT OF A FANCY YACHT
♪ AND WOULDN’T IT BE NICE IF MY DAD WOULD HUG ME
♪ I GUESS I’LL HUG THE DEER THAT I JUST SHOT ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! JAMES TAYLOR IS BACK! SWEET BABY JAMES. AND WHEN WE COME BACK, HOW ABOUT
SOME “MEANWHILE!” WOULD YOU LIKE SOME “MEANWHILE.”

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. Biden loves to name drop Obama….you think they have spoken once in the last 4 years? I haven't seen Obama campaign for him in any way. Don't forget Obama wanted people in his cabinet that he disagreed with to keep him grounded.

  2. I like Bloomberg ……Trump must hate Bloomberg….. I like Bloomberg……..Trump must hate Bloomberg….I like Bloomberg.

  3. I live in Canada, close to Watertown NY, (my CBS affiliate) and despite the Republican currently in office there, I have never seen a Bloomberg ad. A couple of Tom Styer ads though. And this is a traditionally Democratic seat! I see more ads on Twitter! #NancyPelosiROCKS

  4. Bloomberg represents everything wrong with our electoral process, and country as a whole. You shouldn't be able to buy your way into an election and skip ahead of everyone else.

  5. Colbert is losing me. When was the last time he told a joke not at trumps expense? I get it's "The thing to do" and gets the audience laughing but can we get something else for a change?

  6. Lmao, funny how the idiot was looking for dirt on Biden while the front runners are butteige and Bernie!!!! Damn dumb ass!!

  7. Bloomberg!? Seriously Colbert? Come on man Bernie is absolutely killing it. Bloomberg is polling in single digits and Sanders is projected to with every state by 538. What’s with the Bernie Blackout? I trusted you!

  8. Did you notice they have barely covered the Iowa Caucuses? I guess when you realize the DNCs meddling, AGAIN to stop Bernie Sanders, they're better off just leaving it alone. And how does Joe Biden's poor performance signal opportunity for Bloomberg. Are we, as Democrats, really that stupid to vote for an oligarch? A billionaire savior? Common.

  9. Oh dear God no more Bloomberg commercials! I was meh when he announced running but now I want anyone but him to win just to stop the ads. At least Yang wants to tax Bloomberg for the data ad space.

  10. Bloomberg the Billionaire who didn't even bother talking to Iowa or Hew Hampshire. How unifying of him. #Bernie2020

  11. The polls have been showing that Biden would come in 4th in both Iowa and new hamshire, so the media making a big deal about this is ridiculous. After all, he will take Nevada and South Carolina. If this is the case 1 to mayor Pete, 1 to Sanders, and 2 to Biden, lol!
    Bloomberg….. well I don’t even want to waste any more breath on that one.

  12. Wait a second….the GOP covered up Trump's crimes?………NICE!……….props to the GOP…am I right guys?……who's with me?!……Trump 2020 anyone?……..anyone?………ugh…tough crowd…

  13. Does anyone else think that the pianist talking at the end of the jokes takes away from the show? I've been trying to get used to it for a while, but it always detracts from the show.

  14. Bloomberg gives the DNC a donation of $300,000 and the DNC changes the rules to let him stay in the race even though he didn't meet the individual donor threshold.

    I guess you don't need supporters when you can just bribe your way.

  15. "DO your duty," meanwhile, today 2/10/20 the last day to register to vote turnout was lousy and so I got to wonder if that means if anybody cares or all you weak pathetic gay loving yoga doing binge watching do-gooders are just going to hide in the sand box until the bully goes away because you are too afraid to fight. Prove me wrong. PLEASE. I would LOVE to be proven wrong.

  16. BOY!! Did Colbert just turn on Biden like the serpent he is!! Couple months ago it was all about Mr Vice President Biden now just sleepy joe lol

  17. BERNIE:  Hey America, we have type 2 diabetes (aka Corporate control), so we need to get off the cake and sodas, exercise and get healthy again.

    CORPORATE DEMOCRATS: Too radical, Bernie! How about Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke… it's less sugar, right? I hope they'll fund my campaign now.

    REPUBLICANS:  Nah! Just keep shoveling cake and sodas into your bodies and watch reality TV. We’ll
    take care of you when you need to amputate your foot.

    BLOOMBERG: I have $55 Billion. I can buy you and your diabetes.

  18. The media is part of the problem. They don't reflect logical reasoning of the people of this country whatsoever. #mayorcheat is not going to beat Bernie Sanders. Bernie is in the lead in New Hampshire!

  19. This is becoming sickening. Its becoming more and more obvious that Bernie is going to get screwed again. "Faulty" voting already with a weird counting system just put in place to squash him?

  20. This is the Biden that Trump was so worried about winning that he corruptly withheld aid to knock him down a peg? Right? Libtards? Can you answer me?

  21. In the midst of a national opioid epidemic and the presidential medal of freedom is awarded to a bloated bag of sentient OxyContin…

  22. Nope Trump didn't escape being impeached. Too bad he will always be known for coming in third behind Johnson and Clinton……..Who were also acquitted.

  23. Stephen Colbert is probably the single most shallow gimicky talentless hacky comedians in modern times – complete one trick pony who's trick was up 5 years ago.

  24. Boomers like Buttigieg. Most Gen Xers, Millenials, and Gen Y like Sanders.

    Buttigieg is authoritarian and right-wing. Just because someone is part of the Democratic Party doesn’t mean they’re left-wing. If you’re a true liberal, Bernie is who you will like. If you’re a pseudo-liberal who cares more about lining the pockets of the rich (by screwing over the working classes) you’ll vote Buttigieg.

    It says a lot that the Democratic establishment would rather Trump than Sanders. They pretend to care about people, but they’re just Republicans lite. At the end of the day, it’s all about money.

  25. Interesting how Colbert fails to inform his viewers that Wall Street Pete and the DNC collaborated to demonstrably steal votes with a rigged app called "Shadow" …
    Very interesting.

  26. Oh, the Beach Boys riff was awesome!
    I am so against trophy (aka, small penis) hunting.
    If you're not going to eat it and make every part of its body useful and a good kill, productive for the hunt, then it's just an ego stroke.

  27. Bernie "not for sale" Sanders for President!! Winning Iowa, NH and now on to Nevada….
    The Multi millionaires and Billionaires are right to be scared!

  28. Everyone in America can vite for him and he can lose the popular vote again and he will still be president after 2020 and its sickening that our votes do not count. He lost last election and he is rigging this one as well.

  29. Lying dogface pony soldier translation: RUSSIAN/trump troll. Yeah, Biden can spot them. You need to, too, Audience. Never be surprised when the media/GOP tries to humiliate Democratic candidates. Just push back.

  30. So Stephen Colbert is not going to talk about all the DNC corruption as it openly tries to rig the primary against Bernie Sanders? Gotcha, Corporate "Sell Out" Colbert, or Corporate Colbert for short.

  31. Current host of The Late Show and man moving on faster than a cattle auctioneer every time Bernie Sanders is mentioned, Stephen Colbert…

  32. Hey Stephen Colbert, don't use the term, "laser focused," anymore. Its something a desperate demagogue did to garner popularity over support – and in the end that candidate dropped out, even after all the media interviews and traveling he did. Its a good term to use when being ironic or facetious, but not for any serious dialogue. Its a qualifier that means nothing, it can't be justified as an improvement over simply saying, "focused," and is distracting from the sincerity of the moment while also mocking the moment. America should be woke enough right now to know not to be sucked into fleeting social expressions or 'flash-in-the-pan' movements.

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